In my first incident, my defining incident, I was stupid.
That is what was wrong with me. That is why what happened happened to me. Because I was stupid.
And to my utter mortification, this morning I discovered that it just went underground, but it still operates me a lot of the time. Maybe not always, but enough.
So what’s wrong with that? After all being smart is good, isn’t it?
When smart is the goal, all the actions that come from it are a mistake that takes me to hell.
And every proof that I am not smart enough takes me to depression.
I don’t know if I am smart enough. Why? because I am not even attempting to do the steps that would prove me that indeed I am not smart enough.
I can see that my recent (current) bout of depression is more due to not driving my business than anything else. I am afraid to do the things that feel too difficult, too complicated for me to succeed with. This new trend to use AI scares the bejesus out of me.
As you see, ferreting out the cause of anything, including depression will take days if the ‘operator’ is honest enough. Never happens if the ‘operator’ is not willing to be vulnerable.
By operator I mean the person who has the issue.
Most people I work with have some variation of this issue: after all knowing, being knowledgeable, clever is high value in todays culture. But most people don’t know, aren’t knowledgable and clever is a short term solution to a complex problem… and it is wrong. A wrong solution on the longer run.
‘For every complex problem, there’s a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.’ H.L. Mencken
I said yesterday that I start my day playing a few games of Freecell. The more I am invested in winning the more I lose.
Being smart is a sign that I am worthy… and of course my fundamental concern is that I am worthless.
Being worthless is hard to be with. Even stupid is easier to live with. But having no worth means the world would be better off without me…
That has been as a threat hanging over my head all my life.
And doing clever things temporarily eases that tension…
But what handles is more is to do actually something that is worth doing, that produces some result, not just win a Freecell game.
Build something.
And for quite I while I have been reluctant. Like you, I have been not growing. Surviving.
And going from surviving to actually growing is proving very difficult… so far impossible, but just give it time.
I got healthier. My clients are doing better. But survival doesn’t much of me… and life has become blah.
I have decided to ease into growing again by doing really tiny things… Tiny things that cause tiny growth… Maybe not even 1%, but growth nevertheless.
I am now chewing my food completely 70% of the time… Not more. But my growth is lacking more in the area of business than anywhere else.
So I’ll do mini-projects there…
The energy, for me, comes from hate more than love… I hate being a lump of meat… surviving life. So I’ll use that hate as jet-fuel.
And share myself, hoping that you, lump of meat yourself, will feel inspired… and start doing tiny projects that lead to takeoff.
On another note: I watched a Tom Bilyeu interview on water fasting. The truth value of the fast talking chiropractor he interviewed was 10%. It seems that 10% is vastly superior in today’s truth-strapped world.
Source says that what I have is not healable… so I best focus on quality of life, instead of my health…
And quality of life is how I FEEL about my life and about myself… I feel better about my life when I can love myself… And that has been sorely missing.
Integrity is the relationship between you and you.
Me and myself. And the worse that relationship is, the less self-love there is.
Integrity can be increased little by little… and that is what I think I’ll focus on: increasing my integrity so I can love myself.
Want to learn about ways to increase integrity? My integrity course is available.
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